When a woman becomes a mother, there are a lot of stereotypical labels that follow her, adding all kinds of parenting requirements and family burdens. In the face of such tremendous pressure, we choose to stand in the mother's shoes, tear off the stereotypical labels, and speak out for all mothers: a mother is not born a mother, no matter how many social identities are added, she has the right to choose to achieve a better self, one more identity, no need to lose the original part.
Table of Contents
Does being selfless make you a good mom?
How to let the mother understand that they are first and foremost themselves
In our culture, being a “selfless mom” is often synonymous with being a “good mom”. As women, we are taught to believe that we should be selfless in order to best care for and love our families.
If you look up the definition of “selfless”, you will see it defined as “having little or no concern for oneself”.
Who came up with this ridiculous idea that a mother should have little or no concern for herself in order to love her people best???
Nevertheless, this idea has been ingrained in our society. A “mother’s selfless love” is touted as the ideal, but why should one need to love selflessly in order to love well?
How can you best care for your people if you are not taking care of yourself first and foremost?
The truth is, you just can’t. You must prioritize your own self-care if you want to be healthy, present, and able to bring your best to the table when it comes to caring for your family.
1. Prioritize your joy
I recognize that I am not selfless, meaning I do have a self outside of being a mother and I need to spend some energy on caring for that self by bringing joy into my daily life.
If you don’t bring joy into your life, you become bitter and start resenting those around you who do.
Have you ever felt resentful towards your husband because he “gets” to have fun and go out and do things that he enjoys and you don’t? Is anyone really stopping you?
I’ve definitely felt this way before and it took a long time for me to realize that only I was creating roadblocks for myself, no one else was standing in my way.
Dr. Lakshmin so eloquently stated in this NY Times article, “I often tell my patients that the true work of “self-care” is recognizing you are the only one who can give yourself permission to take back your time.”
Basically, you can’t sit back and expect the world to prioritize your own self-care. You have to take the reigns because no one else is going to give you that permission or hand it to you on a silver platter . Only you have the ability to figure out what nourishes “your self”, and what joy means for you, and to find ways to bring that into your everyday life.
Often self-care is thought of as a way to escape from your life, but if you can create a life that incorporates joy, you will create a life that you want to live every day, not one from which you feel the need to escape.
2. Don’t feel guilty about it
As I get older, I value my “me time” more than ever. There was a weekend not too long ago that my in-laws were visiting. They had some plans to go into the city and take the kids to the Intrepid Museum. I had opted to stay home and delight in the rare joy of a quiet house and a few hours to myself.
It was the tail end of summer and I had been home with the kids all summer long. There had been A LOT of family togetherness and I simply needed a mental break.
Well, not surprisingly, my mother-in-law did not get this. Although I think having the grandkids to herself for the day without me tagging along made her secretly happy, she also thought that me taking time for myself and not accompanying them was simply not what a “good mom” does.
Now, my mother-in-law is totally old school. When you look up the word “martyr” in the dictionary, there is a picture of her, at least there should be. Furthermore, she is an immigrant in this country and has worked extremely hard to build a good life for her family. But sadly, she knows little joy; only how to work hard and make money.
She is not a woman who has any capacity to understand the concept of self-care or “me time”.
To her, being a selfless mother is the only way to be a mother.
Anyhow, I took my “me time” because I knew I needed it for my mental well-being. I had a lovely day ALONE in my house and I did not let someone else’s perception make me feel guilty.
What children can do for their mothers so they can be freer to pursue themselves?
In order to come into balance and heal the exploitation of our empathy, daughters need to refuse to feel guilty for their desire and ability to be powerful and independent. Even if that means rejection from our mothers when we set clear, healthy boundaries in the relationship.
We can be good daughters AND set healthy boundaries with our mothers. But we can’t rely solely on our mothers’ opinions of us to feel secure in that. We have to feel empowered and secure with the limits we set in the relationship.
1. Recognize that you are not responsible
Daughters are not responsible for the emotional stability of their mothers. When we are able to face the fact that we are powerless as daughters to heal our mothers, we can do the mourning that is necessary to move on and finally step forward in the ways that we are called to own our power and live authentic, joyful, abundant lives…without guilt.
2. Don’t rush for comfort
No matter how much your mother protests when you respectfully convey that you will no longer emotionally care-take her, it’s important to let her have her upset without rushing in to comfort her. This can be very difficult yet it’s such an important step. It is what must be done to halt the momentum of this kind of generational enmeshment between mothers and daughters. A daughter in this situation must say no in order
3. Own your legitimacy as an individual
In order for this kind of relationship to come into balance (in which both mother and daughter feel equally honored in the relationship), it’s necessary for the daughter to first own her legitimacy as an individual. This includes setting boundaries, setting limits, speaking her truth, honoring herself, etc. Those first steps of asserting your individuality can be very challenging. And with time, those steps can also be incredibly liberating and empowering.
Conclusion
So instead of trying to be a selfless mothers and spending all their energy on others, mothers should know how to try to prioritize themselves so that they can perform at their best for their family.
Children should also realize that moms are not gods, moms are ordinary people who were once girls in their prime. Mom's heartache, vulnerability, and more facets are captured by them all and presented in full to the crowd. Don't just ask for it because of the bond of affection
It doesn't take any time to tell what a mom is like.
They always deserve to bloom the way they want to.
